Welcomed, but mourning

[dancinghorse]

Well. It's real now. The missing is really gone. We all know of course who it is: kathlaw was her name here. And yet as Sue said in her response to my first post (HI, Sue! And Ashley! And Larry! And Janni!), she did something by leaving: she brought the community closer together.

I had to go out today for a family thing (blood family, versus extended/chosen family), and as I drove back through the desert, thinking about how much Kath loved this country, I thought, that could have been me. I'm too closely bound to this life to leave it, really, but a year ago I hit bottom, too, and had a truly awful time seeing any way back up (and even if there was one, it was as sure as god made little sine curves that I would go bouncing back down again eventually).

I think that's why I don't share the anger so many have expressed. Sadness, oh yes. I miss her a lot--we didn't see each other often but she was -there,- she was part of this landscape. But I'm not angry with her for leaving us. Her reasons just make too much sense to me.

The main reason I would never do this is that I would not put my family, or my animals, through the pain of loss--a promise I made to myself long ago, when my godmother (who was very like Kath) did this same thing. But for some, there just isn't any other answer. I guess I've done anger before, so I've gone straight through to acceptance this time. Or else I'm too numb to start throwing things yet.

Not usually that morose here, mind you. But it's a sad time.

Comments

[dancinghorse.livejournal.com]

I think any of us who has both imagination and troubles will at some point, however leerily, ask, "Could I do this? Would I?"

I thought I was not going to hit the anger stage of grieving, until someone on a mailing list waxed judgmental about how others were expressing their grief. This honked me off royally. If it had not been for a vigilant topicop, I would have let go with a blast. (And I do not Do flamewars.)

I guess I'm sublimating. Or something.

Anger

[lindajdunn.livejournal.com]

I guess I finally made it here. I created a live journal simply so I could join the community here and perhaps say something positive. Funny how you can write professionally and then find that words fail you when you need them.

I just don't know what to say. I've stay up way, way too late trying to find something to say or do, trying to figure out how to get into live journal, trying to find it, bothering people I shouldn't be bothering who are grieving and now that I've finally here... I can't think of a single thing to say.

There are no words.

Re: Anger

[dancinghorse.livejournal.com]

Linda, you made it!

You're here. That's all the words you need.

[greeneyedkzin.livejournal.com]

I do do flamewars, but I didn't. What I don't usually do is critical private e-mails. But I did.

To coin a phrase: damn.

I hate to say I'm not surprised -- not even to the private, meticulous, efficient nature of Kath's plans. It was like her, and it wasn't the first time she'd talked about it.

Kath and I had a tremendous admiration for T.E. Lawrence. On her part, it took the form of taking the "Lawrence" surname and moving out to the desert, because, as Lawrence would say, it was clean.

At least, she didn't have a damn motorcycle.

[janni.livejournal.com]

Oh, I came very, very close to using words far worse than "damn" in response to the list post in question. (For those wondering, someone found "damn" an inappropriate, disrespectful response to the news.)

And of course, while it's dangerous to put words into anyone's mouth, I feel pretty safe saying that Kath would have found such words appropriate enough.

(Actually, this is the latest reason I've resolved to stay around as long as possible. Once you leave, other people begin rewriting your life and its meanings, and I want to give them as little of a head start as possible to do so.)