Welcomed, but mourning

[dancinghorse]

Well. It's real now. The missing is really gone. We all know of course who it is: kathlaw was her name here. And yet as Sue said in her response to my first post (HI, Sue! And Ashley! And Larry! And Janni!), she did something by leaving: she brought the community closer together.

I had to go out today for a family thing (blood family, versus extended/chosen family), and as I drove back through the desert, thinking about how much Kath loved this country, I thought, that could have been me. I'm too closely bound to this life to leave it, really, but a year ago I hit bottom, too, and had a truly awful time seeing any way back up (and even if there was one, it was as sure as god made little sine curves that I would go bouncing back down again eventually).

I think that's why I don't share the anger so many have expressed. Sadness, oh yes. I miss her a lot--we didn't see each other often but she was -there,- she was part of this landscape. But I'm not angry with her for leaving us. Her reasons just make too much sense to me.

The main reason I would never do this is that I would not put my family, or my animals, through the pain of loss--a promise I made to myself long ago, when my godmother (who was very like Kath) did this same thing. But for some, there just isn't any other answer. I guess I've done anger before, so I've gone straight through to acceptance this time. Or else I'm too numb to start throwing things yet.

Not usually that morose here, mind you. But it's a sad time.

Comments

[badgermirlacca.livejournal.com]

For me it's not so much that it was done as HOW it was done. Everything was taken care of, oh yes. Except: vanishing. Leaving so many people to wonder if it was true, to hope it wasn't.

Yeah, one could say she needed time to do what she had to do. But there were other ways. She planned it so well; she could have planned that too.

And perhaps that's denial, too.

But--still angry.

Angry

[dancinghorse.livejournal.com]

Anger's normal. Even healthy. I just don't feel it because I understand too well. I can't be angry because that could be -me.-

Though I admit, the part that stops me first is the effect it would have on the survivors. I've been one. I won't do that to anyone else.

I respect her decision. Could not have done it, would not want to do it. But.

[janni.livejournal.com]

I think many of us at least skirt around (if not meet up with directly) those demons at some point.

Oddly, though, while I usually do tend more toward sadness than anger for this sort of thing, in this case it's anger, definitely, at least for now. That will change over time, I know. (And am even glad of.)

[dancinghorse.livejournal.com]

I think any of us who has both imagination and troubles will at some point, however leerily, ask, "Could I do this? Would I?"

I thought I was not going to hit the anger stage of grieving, until someone on a mailing list waxed judgmental about how others were expressing their grief. This honked me off royally. If it had not been for a vigilant topicop, I would have let go with a blast. (And I do not Do flamewars.)

I guess I'm sublimating. Or something.

Anger

[lindajdunn.livejournal.com]

I guess I finally made it here. I created a live journal simply so I could join the community here and perhaps say something positive. Funny how you can write professionally and then find that words fail you when you need them.

I just don't know what to say. I've stay up way, way too late trying to find something to say or do, trying to figure out how to get into live journal, trying to find it, bothering people I shouldn't be bothering who are grieving and now that I've finally here... I can't think of a single thing to say.

There are no words.

Re: Anger

[dancinghorse.livejournal.com]

Linda, you made it!

You're here. That's all the words you need.

[greeneyedkzin.livejournal.com]

I do do flamewars, but I didn't. What I don't usually do is critical private e-mails. But I did.

To coin a phrase: damn.

I hate to say I'm not surprised -- not even to the private, meticulous, efficient nature of Kath's plans. It was like her, and it wasn't the first time she'd talked about it.

Kath and I had a tremendous admiration for T.E. Lawrence. On her part, it took the form of taking the "Lawrence" surname and moving out to the desert, because, as Lawrence would say, it was clean.

At least, she didn't have a damn motorcycle.

[janni.livejournal.com]

Oh, I came very, very close to using words far worse than "damn" in response to the list post in question. (For those wondering, someone found "damn" an inappropriate, disrespectful response to the news.)

And of course, while it's dangerous to put words into anyone's mouth, I feel pretty safe saying that Kath would have found such words appropriate enough.

(Actually, this is the latest reason I've resolved to stay around as long as possible. Once you leave, other people begin rewriting your life and its meanings, and I want to give them as little of a head start as possible to do so.)

[kateelliott.livejournal.com]

Like Linda, I am figuring out livejournal (which I heard about for the first time about a week ago in an entirely different context) so that I can make contact with a part of Kath's life - in other ways, I feel so distant.

I am simply stunned, and saddened to know that she must have been in so much pain. I just served on the Nebula Novel Jury last year with Kath. She ran our motley crew with a firm but good humored hand, styling herself Chair Queen. It's difficult to accept that she is gone.

Many hugs to all of you there who are in the thick of this.

Alis

[dancinghorse.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Alis. Wonderful to see you here! (And all of you. It feels like home.)

[windrose.livejournal.com]

I understand her reasons, too, but I'm still mad as hell at her. I think a lot of that is due to how much of the aftermath landed squarely on my shoulders. She said in her letter she tried to make it easy on us, and that just makes me want to hit something because, honey? This ain't easy. Not at all.

I also know I'm too close to the heart of the matter to see clearly right now. I'll forgive her, eventually. But right now, I just want to have a screaming, howling hissy-fit.

[lagilman]

There is no way to make this sort of thing 'easy.' It is, by its very definition, painful and hard and ugly. And thinking otherwise is how people allow themselves permission to do it. That and "everyone will be better off without me." It's a needful delusion, I suppose. Otherwise the guilt would force you to keep slogging along.

And slogging along is hard.

So, yeah, I guess I'm angry. Because damn it, if we have to slog, she should still be in here with us.

--suri
(who realizes not everyone will recognize her screenname -- it's Laura Anne)

[dancinghorse.livejournal.com]

First of all, HUGS, Sioux.

And for the rest of it: This is part of why I was so honked off at that sanctimonious little twit who had the gall to tell other people how to grieve. (And on specious grounds, too. Clearly does not understand the depth of feeling that can go into extremely simple style. OR the nature of true respect.) Whatever I feel on my own behalf, I will defend to the death anyone else's right to feel whatever they damned well feel--and say it however they damned well need to. Anger is absolutely normal and totally understandable.

Entirely apart from my understanding of the reason for doing it, suicide is a profoundly selfish thing to do. In the same way that it is totally not about anyone else...well, it's not about them, but they're the ones who have to pick up the mess. Just as I would never wish Kath to have hung on in the kind of misery she was in, at the same time I wish with all my heart that she had not left her friends (many of whom are my friends, too) to deal with the loss.

Anybody who wants to howl at the moon, we have a very good one here, and it's open for business at all hours.

Also, cats and Fat White Objects to hug and cry on as needed.

I've been doing a decent amount of that myself lately.

[rolanni.livejournal.com]

I knew Kath very slightly, and I rather feel that I don't have the right, with so many who knew her for years, but I miss her; she was sorta *there* at the back of my mind, part of the warp and the weave. Perhaps her going and the way of it has brought the community closer together, but it -- the community was already close-knit, y'know?

Kath was, what I knew of her, stubborn and meticulous, and humorous and *human*. It's ...frightening... to see how well and how thoroughly she planned. But that was Kath, too.

Sharon

[msdori.livejournal.com]

I'm just boggled, still. And angry, and sad, and probably a whole bunch of other things I can't figure out right now.

Thanks for providing a place to talk about this, Judy.

[dancinghorse.livejournal.com]

You're welcome, Dori. And Sharon, thanks for saying what so many feel.