Playing Old Tapes

[dancinghorse]

So today I ran head-on into one of my main resolutions for 2004.

Background: Those who have known me forever know I have a huge, and I mean HUGE, problem with Being Left Out Of Things. It comes from a lifelong hearing impairment, the attendant inability to plug in easily or at all to the telephone culture, and a sense (real or not) that people are sharing endless reams of information without taking the trouble to share it with me. They talk behind their hands, they turn their backs to talk, and they are Leaving Me Out.

The online community was a godsend. Absolute, total, freaking godsend. Finally! I won't be Left Out! I can play like everybody else!

But there's still the old tape loop playing. Plus I tend to Feel Responsible, which makes me stress over other people's troubles just a leetle bit too much.

So when last year, aka the Year From Hell, came to a merciful and long-awaited end, I resolved that I would not get all bent out of shape by the inadvertence of others, -and- that I would stop feeling responsible for everyone else's life. So many of these things are not my fault (or theirs), and they are not my job to fix. I can be friendly, helpful, supportive as needed--but not go bananas over the enormity of it all.

Last night and this morning, two things happened:

[1] I found out how Kath died at umpteenth hand on a newsgroup. No one had taken the trouble to tell me. (What's the html for big crackling bomb fuse?)

[2] One of her friends had accepted my offer to stay here, and said she would be here last night. She never showed. I stayed up quite late. I have not heard from her. I am sure (hear the whirring of the old-tape deck here?) everyone else (who is plugged into the great web of telephone communication that is as alien and difficult for me as a telepathic net for the average human) knows where she is and has not taken the trouble to tell me.

All I can say is, THANK GOODNESS for my New Year's resolution. I have taken a lot of deep breaths. I have chanted my mantra. "It's not my problem. If anything happened to the friend, someone would have expressed concern. It's NOT MY PROBLEM."

So guess what? I was supposed to take my car in for repairs today. I would then have to haul back here, feed the horses, and trek back down for the memorial. I have to get this done because I have to drive to Phoenix on Thursday and have dinner with one of my very most favorite authors in the world, and then be a Famous Author for the weekend myself. BUT there is still tomorrow. AND it is ze keed's birthday, and my equine children are accustomed to being Totally Spoiled Rotten (Even More Than Usual) on their birthdays. And I really must have energy for tonight. So I am staying home, I am doing what I feel like doing (like, maybe, you know, work; and ride my adored keed), and I am not stressing over what I cannot help. Because it's NOT MY PROBLEM.

Sometimes growing up can be a nice thing.

Comments

[larryhammer]

I keep thinking that one of these years I'll start feeling like a grown-up....

---L.

[larryhammer]

I know that, for my part, being by coincidence so close to Katherine's death I've had a hard time deciding what to say or not say about it. (I've deleted more than one post this weekend.) Certainly much of what I've learned about her life and death are things I shouldn't know and should never tell. Not being able to trust my judgment, I find myself saying very little — and often I've been able to bring myself to say even that in only one place, and counted on others to spread the word.

If have, somehow, by this slighted you — or anyone here — my apologies. It is not personal, nor your problem.

(The voice in the dark hindbrain says in response, "No, it was an impersonal slight." To which I say, "Oh, shut up. Next you'll me telling me it was the sensible thing to do." Stupid dark hindbrain.)

---L.

[dancinghorse.livejournal.com]

Wer all have hindbrains and old tapes, don't we? There is so much to know and not know--I wasn't sure it was appropriate to talk about certain details, either, until Dennis posted them on sff.

I know you weren't slighting anybody. You've had more than enough to deal with, and you two have gone 'way above and beyond the call of duty. You're the heroes here--the ones who were able to go in and save what could be saved.

This is such a complicated situation. This was a public figure, very much so, and public figures have very complex layers to their lives.

It's interesting how many buttons this has pushed in so many people--and also interesting to see which buttons were pushed.

[larryhammer]

And I'm not even sure what Dennis has posted....

---L.

[dancinghorse.livejournal.com]

It's in Kath's newsgroup on sff.net.

[larryhammer]

Thanks. (I'm not on SFF.net myself, there being the whole Time thing, but I should be able to find out.)

---L.