Playing Old Tapes
Mar. 29th, 2004 09:15 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dancinghorseSo today I ran head-on into one of my main resolutions for 2004.
Background: Those who have known me forever know I have a huge, and I mean HUGE, problem with Being Left Out Of Things. It comes from a lifelong hearing impairment, the attendant inability to plug in easily or at all to the telephone culture, and a sense (real or not) that people are sharing endless reams of information without taking the trouble to share it with me. They talk behind their hands, they turn their backs to talk, and they are Leaving Me Out.
The online community was a godsend. Absolute, total, freaking godsend. Finally! I won't be Left Out! I can play like everybody else!
But there's still the old tape loop playing. Plus I tend to Feel Responsible, which makes me stress over other people's troubles just a leetle bit too much.
So when last year, aka the Year From Hell, came to a merciful and long-awaited end, I resolved that I would not get all bent out of shape by the inadvertence of others, -and- that I would stop feeling responsible for everyone else's life. So many of these things are not my fault (or theirs), and they are not my job to fix. I can be friendly, helpful, supportive as needed--but not go bananas over the enormity of it all.
Last night and this morning, two things happened:
[1] I found out how Kath died at umpteenth hand on a newsgroup. No one had taken the trouble to tell me. (What's the html for big crackling bomb fuse?)
[2] One of her friends had accepted my offer to stay here, and said she would be here last night. She never showed. I stayed up quite late. I have not heard from her. I am sure (hear the whirring of the old-tape deck here?) everyone else (who is plugged into the great web of telephone communication that is as alien and difficult for me as a telepathic net for the average human) knows where she is and has not taken the trouble to tell me.
All I can say is, THANK GOODNESS for my New Year's resolution. I have taken a lot of deep breaths. I have chanted my mantra. "It's not my problem. If anything happened to the friend, someone would have expressed concern. It's NOT MY PROBLEM."
So guess what? I was supposed to take my car in for repairs today. I would then have to haul back here, feed the horses, and trek back down for the memorial. I have to get this done because I have to drive to Phoenix on Thursday and have dinner with one of my very most favorite authors in the world, and then be a Famous Author for the weekend myself. BUT there is still tomorrow. AND it is ze keed's birthday, and my equine children are accustomed to being Totally Spoiled Rotten (Even More Than Usual) on their birthdays. And I really must have energy for tonight. So I am staying home, I am doing what I feel like doing (like, maybe, you know, work; and ride my adored keed), and I am not stressing over what I cannot help. Because it's NOT MY PROBLEM.
Sometimes growing up can be a nice thing.
Background: Those who have known me forever know I have a huge, and I mean HUGE, problem with Being Left Out Of Things. It comes from a lifelong hearing impairment, the attendant inability to plug in easily or at all to the telephone culture, and a sense (real or not) that people are sharing endless reams of information without taking the trouble to share it with me. They talk behind their hands, they turn their backs to talk, and they are Leaving Me Out.
The online community was a godsend. Absolute, total, freaking godsend. Finally! I won't be Left Out! I can play like everybody else!
But there's still the old tape loop playing. Plus I tend to Feel Responsible, which makes me stress over other people's troubles just a leetle bit too much.
So when last year, aka the Year From Hell, came to a merciful and long-awaited end, I resolved that I would not get all bent out of shape by the inadvertence of others, -and- that I would stop feeling responsible for everyone else's life. So many of these things are not my fault (or theirs), and they are not my job to fix. I can be friendly, helpful, supportive as needed--but not go bananas over the enormity of it all.
Last night and this morning, two things happened:
[1] I found out how Kath died at umpteenth hand on a newsgroup. No one had taken the trouble to tell me. (What's the html for big crackling bomb fuse?)
[2] One of her friends had accepted my offer to stay here, and said she would be here last night. She never showed. I stayed up quite late. I have not heard from her. I am sure (hear the whirring of the old-tape deck here?) everyone else (who is plugged into the great web of telephone communication that is as alien and difficult for me as a telepathic net for the average human) knows where she is and has not taken the trouble to tell me.
All I can say is, THANK GOODNESS for my New Year's resolution. I have taken a lot of deep breaths. I have chanted my mantra. "It's not my problem. If anything happened to the friend, someone would have expressed concern. It's NOT MY PROBLEM."
So guess what? I was supposed to take my car in for repairs today. I would then have to haul back here, feed the horses, and trek back down for the memorial. I have to get this done because I have to drive to Phoenix on Thursday and have dinner with one of my very most favorite authors in the world, and then be a Famous Author for the weekend myself. BUT there is still tomorrow. AND it is ze keed's birthday, and my equine children are accustomed to being Totally Spoiled Rotten (Even More Than Usual) on their birthdays. And I really must have energy for tonight. So I am staying home, I am doing what I feel like doing (like, maybe, you know, work; and ride my adored keed), and I am not stressing over what I cannot help. Because it's NOT MY PROBLEM.
Sometimes growing up can be a nice thing.
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INEXCUSABLE
Date: 2004-03-29 08:41 am (UTC)Sue
Re: INEXCUSABLE
Date: 2004-03-29 08:57 am (UTC)I knew WHAT Kath had done from day one. What I had not been told was HOW. Which clicked the switch on a particular old tape that is mine own, mine only own, and nobody else's fault.
We all have issues. That's mine. I've been working on it. Hard.
As for the friend, she couldn't call, that's the thing. She's on the road with cell phone but without modem. The old tape hissed, "Oh, she did call someone on the list, they just never bothered to tell YOU."
But the new tape says, "Hey, they all know she's on the road. If anything had happened, it would be in all the usual spots, and someone would have made sure I knew. I'll see her tonight probably, and if she changed her plans, that's fine. This is not the time to insist that people think about ME. Because if it -were- about me, they would all be here with bells on."
That's one thing I'm absolutely sure of, tapes or no tapes. My friends are there when it's about me.
Re: INEXCUSABLE
Date: 2004-03-29 10:00 am (UTC)I suspect it has taken C a lot longer to drive to your place than she thought. I don't have her Cel number, or I would call it. Bet she doesn't have a charge in it either.
Give my love to all of those who are at the memorial. Wish I could join you.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-29 10:29 am (UTC)Thanks.
Count me left out too
Date: 2004-03-29 05:20 pm (UTC):-(
sue
Re: Count me left out too
Date: 2004-03-29 06:05 pm (UTC)Re: Count me left out too
Date: 2004-03-30 05:52 am (UTC)The hallucinations can be cool.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-29 08:47 am (UTC)It's so dumb, but at this distance I figured everyone out there knew all at once... it makes no rational sense when I think about it, but that is what I was imagining.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-29 09:00 am (UTC)Stupid old tape. Information stutters and stumbles, and lord knows I've run into plenty of "Oh, I assumed you knew" when other people didn't, as well. We expect information to flow steadily and into all channels at once, but it doesn't.
This is a politics-free zone (PLEASE, I beg of you), but take a nanosecond to consider, say, the FBI and the CIA.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-29 11:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-29 09:19 am (UTC)Sharon
no subject
Date: 2004-03-29 09:26 am (UTC)Of course, our mantra does not mean we don't care, or don't act, or don't help. We're -there.- But we don't go bananas over things that are not our responsibility, our fault, or (cue drumroll) our problem.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-30 11:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-29 09:36 am (UTC)---L.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-29 09:53 am (UTC)If have, somehow, by this slighted you — or anyone here — my apologies. It is not personal, nor your problem.
(The voice in the dark hindbrain says in response, "No, it was an impersonal slight." To which I say, "Oh, shut up. Next you'll me telling me it was the sensible thing to do." Stupid dark hindbrain.)
---L.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-29 10:34 am (UTC)I know you weren't slighting anybody. You've had more than enough to deal with, and you two have gone 'way above and beyond the call of duty. You're the heroes here--the ones who were able to go in and save what could be saved.
This is such a complicated situation. This was a public figure, very much so, and public figures have very complex layers to their lives.
It's interesting how many buttons this has pushed in so many people--and also interesting to see which buttons were pushed.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-29 10:45 am (UTC)---L.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-29 11:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-29 11:11 am (UTC)---L.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-29 11:24 am (UTC)---L.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-29 11:45 am (UTC)I suspect I know approximately when this decision (and purchase) was made. It's in her LJ, a month ago.
I'm so sorry for everyone who is having to deal with this, and who has been hurt by it.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-29 12:51 pm (UTC)---L.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-29 01:11 pm (UTC)None of it matters really, it's just things we notice in passing, that turn out to Mean Something later. Nostradamus "scholars" make a career out of it. Writers do, too. Speculation is our stock in trade.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-29 12:15 pm (UTC)I didn't include Kath's manner of death in my initial notification because, well, I was having trouble dealing with it myself. I also wasn't sure how much information I should release. Some people need to know every detail in order to cope, others don't, and I was in the unenviable position of trying to figure out what was appropriate along with dealing with my own shock and grief.
If there is anything you want/need to know, please, email me and ask, and I'll tell you as much as I can.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-29 01:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-29 02:17 pm (UTC)I tried to email the basics to the Tucson folks, but to be honest, I don't remember for sure either whether I accidentally dropped anyone off of the mailing (apologies if so), or what details I did or didn't include at the time. Mostly, I was trying to get word out at all--I may even have just grabbed the post from [Unknown site tag]'s journal.
Anything you want to know or don't know, email any of us. )Or just talk to me tonight, for that matter.) We're all a bit flakey and unfocused right now, I suspect. I know I tried to keep those nearest in the loop; but couldn't honestly tell you precisely what I've said.
I suspect Dennis has the info he did in part because he was on the list of contacts Katherine left for the police. (Along with
no subject
Date: 2004-03-29 02:44 pm (UTC)Short breaks now, while things are still unsettled. Extended break later, when it's all over. These things are a marathon of stress. I can still remember the hallucinations I had when my grandfather died--no sleep for days, I had to do a lot of driving, we had a snow squall. Wow! I said. We're entering hyperspace!
Which sounds pretty good right now. Anybody for a run around the galaxy? Back by dinnertime, natch.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-29 02:52 pm (UTC)I certainly have the cliched but real sense of how things shouldn't be put off that are worth doing, this week.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-29 03:01 pm (UTC)It will be a physical stretch to come to town on Monday after all this plus a weekend in Phoenix (and Tempe and Gilbert and...), but I really want to do it, this year above all. I need the joy of the feast. We all do.
Thank you for that, too.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-29 11:36 pm (UTC)And if you need to crash here post Passover, we have a sleeper sofa (and I could even make matzo brie in the morning :->)
Janni
no subject
Date: 2004-03-30 05:54 am (UTC)But I -will- be there for seder. Wouldn't miss it for the world.
Playing Old Tapes
Date: 2004-03-29 05:49 pm (UTC)Re: Playing Old Tapes
Date: 2004-03-29 09:23 pm (UTC)Re: Playing Old Tapes
Date: 2004-03-30 02:44 am (UTC)Add that to casual, no cel, etc. when someone's more formal than the average bear (a problem for me, hearing or not), and you have a recipe for having to remember, as you say, that it's not about you.
May I borrow that one? It's useful.
Re: Playing Old Tapes
Date: 2004-03-30 05:55 am (UTC)Re: Playing Old Tapes
Date: 2004-03-30 04:06 am (UTC)Re: Playing Old Tapes
Date: 2004-03-30 05:56 am (UTC)Re: Playing Old Tapes
Date: 2004-03-30 08:56 am (UTC)---L.
Re: Playing Old Tapes
Date: 2004-03-30 10:59 am (UTC)Re: Playing Old Tapes
Date: 2004-03-30 11:54 am (UTC)---L.
Re: Playing Old Tapes
Date: 2004-03-30 11:07 am (UTC)