Lo! An Actual Entry!

[dancinghorse]

After all the Twittering and the blatant self-promotion, I owe everybody an actual entry. Keeping the farm afloat in this economy has taken all of my energy and then some, and I don't seem to have anything left over. What little brain is left, most days, has just about 140 characters' worth of things to say.

Yes, birdhousefrog did fly out when I hit nuclear meltdown, held down the fort, fed me, and nursed me through the end of The Revision That Ate My Brain (also my liver, my lights, my sanity...). She is a hero of the revolution.

Now I have another revision to do, before I tackle new material. I am still working on various projects and lining up the brain cells to do the subscription version of the fourth Caitlin Brennan novel. I also have been working hard getting set up at Book View Cafe, which involves a great deal of scanning and formatting of hardcopy too old to exist in electronic format. Seriously, some of it was written in longhand and submitted in typescript. That was back during the Cretaceous.

It's all been tremendously time-consuming and exhausting, but it's also tremendously exciting. Publishing is changing rapidly and profoundly. Rules of thumb that were the done thing a year ago have become very slippery or even counterproductive, and modes of publishing that once were minor or marginal are looking more and more like the face of the future.

I've gained a great deal from this, not least the realization that it wasn't just my confidence as a rider that was destroyed over the past few years. I'd completely lost my confidence as a writer, as well. It's so difficult physically and financially to get out among other writers that I'd become very isolated, and only really exposed to editors, agents, and the public faces of my colleagues. What I got from that was the conviction that money was the measure of success, sales figures were all that counted, and authors were valued by the number of copies they sold and/or the number of awards they won. It got to the point that I couldn't write at all. Why bother? No one wanted it, and it wasn't any good anyway (i.e. wouldn't hit the NYT list).

It's been a shock to realize that I have name and fan recognition. I'm considered a marquee name at BVC. (Me? Moi? Noooo.) It's also a shock to realize that I can write--still and always--and while it's been painful to change genres, and writing for kids is the hardest writing of all, I can do it. I've got what it takes.

No, don't pooh-pooh this. It doesn't matter what someone is from the outside, if the inside can't see it. It's very real and crippling when you sit in front of a screen and no words come, because you're convinced that whatever you write is unsalable crap. Especially when after decades of selling everything you come up with, you're suddenly collecting rejections or being told to gut and rewrite endlessly. Yes, yes, and starlets moan that it's hard to be beautiful, but if you live on your writing and suddenly there's no income coming in, and nothing you propose even gets past the agent, you get to a point where you honestly don't know what to do next. It gets even worse when what you want to write, and what your readers are begging for, gets a flat No from the publisher. All the gears grind to a halt.

That's where I've been, along with far too many writers like me. Friends and colleagues have been amazing about helping me through this. I've needed to arrive at a more realistic assessment of who I am and what I have to offer. Which is, in order: not exactly chopped liver, and rather a lot.

Hence, Camp Lipizzan. If I can't go to the writers, I'll bring them to me. I have something unique here, and it's time to stop hogging it all for myself.

Hence, too, my first foray into the world of e-publishing with the BVC freebies. There will be more coming, and the start of paid content at BVC and elsewhere. Some of it will surprise you if you have me bracketed as Serious Historical Fantasy. (Watch for, for example, "Elvis Invictus" at BVC. Or the far-future-sf unicorn story. Or...)

Through all of this, the horses have managed to stay healthy please god knock silicon, and while there have been few funds for lessons, I have made the most of the ones I've taken. I've used the time to learn to stop clamping and tensing up when doing things that count in my warped little head as Dressage, and to work on trusting my skills--always a struggle, but less than it was. Pook is getting deep and broad over the loin, which is a strong testimonial to correct work. We work regularly and comfortably in walk and trot, and canter gets easier. I can canter anyone else, and that includes Pandora and ze keed. Who is sound. Sound, I tell you. Sound. And that, for a horse thrown back at me a year and a half ago with the implication he should be put down, is a very, very good thing.

We're still deep in the woods. It gets frakking scary. But we're working on finding ways out. On all fronts.

Comments

[monder.livejournal.com]

HUGS! We've always believed in you.

[buymeaclue.livejournal.com]

Good!

[kristine-smith.livejournal.com]

I am glad to hear this!

[aberwyn.livejournal.com]

Three cheers for you and another three for Pooka!

[joycemocha.livejournal.com]

Yay! Glad to read that you're back on track.

[miintikwa.livejournal.com]

HUZZAH for SOUND keed! :D

And yay for finding yourself again. I can relate, from a different place than writing-- but yes. Finding yourself again is hard after being knocked down.

[smoemeth.livejournal.com]

It seems to me that publishing today is where music was 10-15 years ago, with indies just starting to really break away from the major labels and see what they can do on their own. The answer is: a hell of a lot. And the tools to be successful as an indie today are so much better and more accessible than 10-15 years ago.

It's an exciting (and yes, scary) time. Those who jump on the first waves will have the best chance to make it.

[raithen.livejournal.com]

:D.

[hippoiathanatoi.livejournal.com]

There are few things as crippling as having your confidence broken down, and I am very glad to hear you are trying out ways to get around or through the obstacles.

BVC is a really exciting place, and I am looking forward to being able to read some more of the short stories I haven't read (loved "Defender of the Faith" too -- especially as Alamut was the book that lured me in) and recommending some more favourites to friends. It seems like a great place for paid content.

[http://users.livejournal.com/la_marquise_de_/]

Here's a scene from a bookshop. It was last Saturday and my other half(the marquis) and I were in the London branch of the Forbidden Planet chain. He was browsing the new books section, while I was talking business to a staff member.
I got back to find him waving a book at me and making incoherent excited noises. It was Burning Down the Sun. In this house, a new Judith Tarr novel is priced above rubies. (And we bicker over who gets to read it first.)

[marthawells.livejournal.com]

It gets even worse when what you want to write, and what your readers are begging for, gets a flat No from the publisher. All the gears grind to a halt.

This is pretty much where I am right now. I know so many people who are in this situation too, it's depressing.

[green-knight.livejournal.com]

Yay birdhousefrog & other heroes of the revolution. And yay the horses.

[jennifer-j-s.livejournal.com]

Glad you're getting your mojo back. Change is painful, but the alternative is worse.

[electricland.livejournal.com]

Hurray!

[floundah.livejournal.com]

Suck great news! I am going to steer my best friend towards The Book View Cafe. She is an aspiring writer who is taking her first creative writing course and she will find this to be very helpful. I'd recommend your camp too, but she is burned out from travel (she used to sing major opera roles in Germany, all over the Middle East, Israel, Egypt, and even places like Singapore). She doesn't even want to go from the Bronx into Manhattan unless she really needs to.

I am so glad to hear Ze Keed is sound too.

[maleyna.livejournal.com]

I have all of your books. Every last one. There is not one that I have not enjoyed reading (and re-reading several times as the years go by). I wondered why you switched genres and wrote under another name - even after reading an explanation you posted, I still didn't really understand. I just thought your interests had changed. So to hear the trouble that you have been through is a major shock. Just want you to know that you are well-loved as an author, and I will continue to look forward to whatever you write, in whatever manifestation. :-)

[msagara.livejournal.com]

I was so happy to see you post this.

I hate the metric that says sales=good in any qualitative sense; sometimes it is, and sometimes it isn't -- they're almost orthogonal, imho.

It's also a shock to realize that I can write--still and always--and while it's been painful to change genres, and writing for kids is the hardest writing of all, I can do it. I've got what it takes.

We're always a book's bad sales away from doom, and a book's good sales away from glory. And you've always been a damn good writer, so it's inspiring to see you square your shoulders and look determined and hopeful.

[raithen.livejournal.com]

but Judy's mentoring could be awesome for her - no travel required! Plus, there is a sale on now.... (I'm just saying ;).

[floundah.livejournal.com]

You would appreciate this website: http://www.weaselwords.com.au/

[sfmarty.livejournal.com]

Reccommend the camp anyway. I know from experience the Arizona feel is quite different from European travel. There is a much different kind of visual noise. Very calming. She would benifit and really relax into it.

[sfmarty.livejournal.com]

Paranoia. It is a hard burden to bear. One that I bear quite reluctantly. I too am coming out of a funk. I sit here cheering you on. You have true talent.

[firle.livejournal.com]

I know how important it is to feel like a good writer when searching for inspiration. And I'm telling you this, in the hopes that it might help you to feel better: You and your stories and your style and your sheer writing power have been an inspiration and role model to me for my own writing.

You're a great writer with wonderful ideas and stories. *sends warm light and good thoughts*

[melinda-goodin.livejournal.com]

*hugs from Australia*
I received your three Kathleen Bryan books from Amazon this week and squeed mightily. It was a bright spot in what has been a bleh Winter.

[janni.livejournal.com]

We're always a book's bad sales away from doom, and a book's good sales away from glory. And you've always been a damn good writer, so it's inspiring to see you square your shoulders and look determined and hopeful.

What msagara said.

It's been a shock to realize that I have name and fan recognition. I'm considered a marquee name at BVC.

This is of course not shocking at all to the rest of us, and even seems a given, but I'm beginning to understand that it's very hard to see these sorts of things clearly from within ...

[dancinghorse.livejournal.com]

Thank you both. It feels weird to not be chopped liver. Why, I'm foie gras!

[dancinghorse.livejournal.com]

Aww thanks. And hugs. I'm sorry you've had such a wretched season.

[dancinghorse.livejournal.com]

THANK YOU! And hugs all around--looks as if you've had a bit of a challenging few days.

[dancinghorse.livejournal.com]

Hard, and it's so deceptive when you're down there; you start to think you really aren't any taller than that.

[dancinghorse.livejournal.com]

I've been thinking about that, and it seems to me you're right. With the Web and all the social networking it makes possible, it's a different world than it was even a couple of years ago.

[dancinghorse.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

I like what it's doing on all fronts. Very vibrant, lots of interesting angles and approaches.

[dancinghorse.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Must work on getting more out there. People are asking for them. Publishers aren't in that space any more. But there are other ways now to make it happen.

[dancinghorse.livejournal.com]

So many good writers are silenced or have had their careers gutted. I'm just glad there are alternatives--and those are getting stronger by the day.

[dancinghorse.livejournal.com]

I actually had that thought. Some days, I start to feel rebellious about that, too. But we soldier on.

[dancinghorse.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Yes, we can do the no-travel option, too. ;>

[dancinghorse.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Switched genres and names to stay in print, as so many others have done. Now trying still other expedients, most of them nontraditional, and I feel rejuvenated. Just the prospect of writing what I want to write (and readers want to read) instead of only what will sell is wonderful. I'm still pursuing the traditional options, too, mind--no intention of stopping--but now there are alternatives, and that's exciting.

[dancinghorse.livejournal.com]

Thank you both. Much appreciated. And hugs, Marty. Funkitude we understand too well.

[janni.livejournal.com]

And as a lifelong Jew, I know from chopped liver, and can say with authority that you're not it. :-)

[miintikwa.livejournal.com]

*nod* Also, I think, it's human nature to internalize the bad stuff. And for those of us who have baggage from childhood... well. Yes. (Not that you have that-- just... a lot of what happened to me was that, too. It was a long slog. :/)

Inspiring :)

[ceffyl.livejournal.com]

You. Are. Da. Bomb. Your characterizations, plots, and style are wonderful. When I read your writing, I don't see the words, I see an image of what is happening unfold.

Like others who posted here, you've also been an inspiration for my own writing. I've loved everything you've written. I share your books with everyone who will listen (although your books are not allowed to leave my house). I gave my Mom a copy of A Wind in Cairo and sent her a link to "Classical Horses." She loved both of them. (Arabians are near and dear to our hearts. My mare is a Kuhailan Rodan.)

I had never read "Classical Horses" until it appeared on Book View Cafe. You captured in writing the essence of the mystical connection people can have with horses. Wow.

Going through the process of self-doubt and coming out the other side is a harsh experience. (I was hired as a writer at one job only to have all of my writing duties taken away from me without explanation.) You are making it, even when others have not.

I have also loved your blog posts about riding. Your retellings provide insights that encourage me to go out and face my own fears.

An inspiration? Heck yeah! Riding Writers union :)